Dear Mayor of Topeka, Kansas,

I am writing to inform you that I, DONALD J. Trump, have DEIGNED to acknowledge your existence and the existence of your city, which I have been told is located in the GREAT state of Kansas. I must say, I am impressed by the sheer audacity of your decision to build a city in the middle of nowhere, and I commend you for your bravery. HOWEVER, LET ME TELL YOU, NOBODY, NOBODY, IS BETTER AT BUILDING CITIES THAN I AM. MY TRUMP TOWER IN NEW YORK CITY IS A TESTAMENT TO MY UNPARALLELED GENIUS AND EXCEPTIONAL TASTE.

As a token of my appreciation for your city's, well, let's say, "adequacy," I am PLEASED to announce that I will be sending a signed copy of my bestselling book, "The Art of the Deal," to your office. I'm sure you will treasure it always and display it prominently on your desk, where it will serve as a reminder of my greatness and your, well, relative INSIGNIFICANCE. I mean, let's be real, who needs a functioning sewer system or decent public transportation when you have a signed book by Donald J. Trump?

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Mr. PRESIDENT, how can we ever repay you for your kindness and generosity?" Well, let me tell you, it's quite SIMPLE really. All I ask is that you rename the main street of your city "Trump Boulevard" and erect a statue of me in the town square. I mean, it's the least you can do, considering all that I've done for this country. And by "all that I've done," I mean my incredible, believe-me-it's-yuge, accomplishments as PRESIDENT, which have made America great again, just like I promised.

In conclusion, I would like to say that it has been an absolute pleasure, a real honor, to write to you and bestow my greatness upon your city. I HOPE YOU WILL CHERISH THIS LETTER ALWAYS AND REMEMBER THE TIME THAT DONALD J. Trump, the greatest President this COUNTRY has ever seen, took the time to acknowledge your existence. And who knows, maybe one day YOU'LL be worthy of a visit from me, and we can discuss the finer points of deal-making and fantastic hair.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump

P.S. - PLEASE MAKE SURE TO USE ONLY THE FINEST MATERIALS AND CRAFTSMANSHIP WHEN BUILDING MY STATUE. I wouldn't want anything less than perfection to reflect my outstanding character and tremendous success.