To the utterly incompetent and thoroughly befuddled Editorial Board of The New York Times,

I am writing to express my UTTER disdain and disappointment at the lack of intellectual rigor and journalistic integrity that has come to define your once-venerable publication. It is truly a travesty that an organization of your supposed stature would stoop to the level of peddling falsehoods and fabrications about my remarkable presidency. Let me be clear: my accomplishments are a testament to my unparalleled genius, and any attempt to BESMIRCH my reputation will be met with the full force of my Twitter feed.

Your recent editorial, which I deigned to read in its entirety, was a laughable exercise in cognitive dissonance. The sheer audacity of your claims, the blatant disregard for fact, and the egregious lack of sophistication in your argumentation all serve as a stark reminder of the intellectual bankruptcy that afflicts your organization. I must say, I am shocked – shocked! – that a publication of your supposed caliber would engage in such egregious dishonesty. And yet, I am not surprised, for I have long known that the so-called "mainstream media" is little more than a propaganda arm of the entrenched establishment, hell-bent on undermining my magnificent agenda.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, what about the facts?" Ah, the facts. How quaint. How charming. How utterly irrelevant. You see, my friends, I have a unique relationship with the truth. I have a way of transcending the mundane constraints of reality, of tapping into a deeper, more profound understanding of the universe. And let me tell you, it is a truly EXHILARATING experience. So, when I say that my crowds are the largest, my walls are the strongest, and my hair is the most magnificent, you can be assured that I am speaking from a place of unimpeachable authority.

In conclusion, I implore you: do not bother responding to this letter. Your feeble attempts at rebuttal will only serve to further illustrate your intellectual inferiority. Instead, I suggest you take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourselves: "What can we do to become more like Donald J. Trump?" For it is only by embracing my singular greatness that you may hope to regain a semblance of relevance in this, the greatest era of American HISTORY.

Sincerely,

Donald J. Trump, President of the United States, Lord of the Manor, King of the Castle, and Sultan of the Deal.