Dear Editorial Board of The New York Times,
I am writing to express my utter DISMAY and disappointment at the blatant dishonesty and lack of culinary expertise exhibited by your publication. It has come to my attention that your recent editorial criticizing my exquisite taste in steaks was not only FAKE NEWS, but also a blatant attack on my refined palate. Let me tell you, folks, no one knows more about great steak than I do. I have made the greatest deals, built the most fantastic buildings, and eaten the most tremendous steaks. Believe me, my steaks are yuge, just yuge.
Your so-called "journalists" would do well to focus on the real issues, like the failing state of your newspaper's cafeteria. I have it on good authority that the coffee is weak, the pastries are stale, and the sandwiches are an affront to the culinary arts. It's a disaster, a TOTAL DISASTER. I could make a BETTER sandwich with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. And don't even get me started on the decor – it's a dump, a total dump. I have built more beautiful and luxurious spaces in my sleep.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Mr. TRUMP, WHAT ABOUT THE FACTS?" LET ME TELL YOU, FOLKS, FACTS ARE OVERRATED. I have the best words, the best brain, and the best hair. And my hair, oh my hair, it's just fantastic. People are always talking about my hair, and let me tell you, it's a big league topic. I have made more great deals, built more fantastic buildings, and had more tremendous hair days than any human being on the face of the earth.
I demand an apology, not just for the FAKE NEWS, but for the subpar cuisine that you are serving to your readers. I expect a FULL-PAGE spread, complete with a picture of me enjoying a tremendous STEAK, and a caption that READS, "The Greatest Leader the World Has Ever Known." Anything less WOULD be a disappointment, a total disappointment. And let me tell you, folks, I will not be disappointed. I will make sure that the world knows ABOUT the failing New York Times, and the terrible food they SERVE.
In conclusion, I would like to say that I am a big league winner, and you are just a bunch of losers. I HAVE WON SO BIGLY, AND YOU HAVE LOST SO BADLY. It's a shame, really, because I think you could learn a thing or two from me. But I doubt it, because let's face it, folks, YOU'RE just not that smart. Not as smart as me, anyway.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President the World Has Ever Known.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
⚠️ ACCESS RESTRICTED ⚠️
- Documents you are not cleared to see
- Materials currently under review
- Files that were never meant to be public
- Several things that may or may not exist
How Am I Doing?
✅ Feedback received
Your response has been securely logged, analyzed, and possibly misunderstood.
Survey Results
Internal survey results · Methodology undisclosed · Very accurate
Updated 12139 minutes ago
Recent Feedback
- “what the actual fuck? i hope you get tariffed tonight.”
- “we are fucked because of you”
- “I would like to fire you”
- “absolute ZERO of a man”
- “FUCKING CRIMINAL WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO THE WORLD”
How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
Late Night Delivery
After a long day of leadership, fuel is essential.
- Well-Done Steak $48.00
- Fast Food Combo $19.99
- Diet Soda (12-pack) $14.50
- Side of Ketchup (Easy Squeezy Bottle) $9.50
Delivery unavailable at this time.